When things get tough in a relationship, it’s very normal, natural and easy to focus on your partner’s behaviors and the problems they bring to the relationship.
It is much more difficult to see your own contribution, reactions and role in relationship problems.
However, if you only focus on your partner’s problems, you will continue to feel stuck and frustrated in life.
It is possible to bring about positive change in your relationship through self-focus, reflection and behavioral change.
First, though, you need to recognize your own unhelpful behaviors—what I call “relationship-interfering behaviors.”
By doing this, you’ll build your own muscle and discover ways to strengthen your relationship instead of weakening it.
Some intrusive behaviors in the relationship are more obvious, but still unpleasant to admit – for example, any anger, from frustration to anger, being critical and mean to your partner, or being passive-aggressive.
However, sometimes the behaviors are less obvious and harder to identify. Here are five subtle behaviors that are harder to spot but have the potential to destroy your relationship:
1. Delivery or Compliance
If you find yourself surrendering your needs and submitting to what your partner wants all the time, you are in a dynamic of submission and compliance.
You may think you are making the relationship smoother because you are avoiding guilt or potential conflict.
However, this behavior is contributing to a negative relationship cycle. Relying on submission and conformity to mitigate conflict or avoid blame means you are not being authentic.
Your true needs, desires, and interests are not shared or prioritized. This can lead to dissatisfaction within you and an imbalance in the relationship.
It may even result in your partner respecting you less and your value in the relationship being reduced.
2. The right
It’s not just people with narcissistic personality disorder who are entitled. Each individual is at the center of his own universe and, therefore, capable of justice.
Often people are blind to it. Entitlement can be as simple as feeling like you deserve something and getting fired up when you don’t get it.
When you are present, this intrusive behavior in the relationship means that you are not willing to put yourself in an empathetic position to understand your partner’s needs.
Instead, you pursue your own needs with little compassion for them. Reflecting and identifying the right requires deep commitment.
If you do not recognize that you are right, you are likely to remain stubborn in your pursuit with little awareness of the impact you are having on others and on your reputation.
3. Overworking
Many partners feel like a parent in their relationship, dealing with dysfunctional partners who constantly let them down.
Labeling their over-functioning as a problem seems unfair because they are picking up all the slack and doing all the hard work in the relationship.
However, let’s say you’re taking care of 75 percent of all relationship requirements. That leaves only 25 percent of the space for your partner to operate. There is no room for them to grow.
Continuing to overfunction enables them to malfunction and causes you a lot of pain and stress because the dynamic doesn’t change.
If you don’t learn to back off, lower your standards, and set healthy boundaries, you’ll always feel like the parent in the relationship, and that’s not right for you.
4. In pursuit
Stalking behaviors refer to behaviors that are intense, persistent, and ongoing.
This could be constantly raising an issue in the relationship that needs resolution, insisting on an immediate change in behavior from your partner, or passionately expressing thoughts or desires.
Stalking behaviors are usually driven by feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, and insecurity, causing people to feel compelled to address relationship issues.
Such behaviors, however, can come across as controlling and bossy. Unsurprisingly, these stalking behaviors can make partners feel controlled and upset, resulting in avoidance and distancing.
5. Avoidance
If you avoid difficult conversations and issues, you are engaging in avoidant behavior.
Avoidance leads to communication procrastination and white lies. Internally, behavior is driven by a desire to avoid conflict or friction, and thus feels rational or justifiable.
However, when you avoid a relationship problem or issue, it inevitably surfaces and you end up dealing with said problem plus the consequences of the avoidance.
This means double the problem and double the stress.
These subtle intrusive behaviors in relationships are not initially in our awareness. But by reflecting on them, you are able to learn and grow from them.
Blind spots are normal, allowing you to take a position that makes you feel more comfortable. This is a very human response.
However, identifying your interfering behaviors in your relationship is life-changing, as it provides you with multiple points of change to improve your relationship.
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